It’s a five-alarm all out listener takeover episode as Ben and Phil hand the whole show over to you for questions, guest charts and comments, alongside special appearances by our friends at Round The Archives and Tim Worthington off of the Guardian. Plus: how we met and our earliest collaborations, eggs by phone, Phil’s best punk, horrible ITV comedy, how to play “Year Of The Cat”, the most appalling action figures, important crisp discussions, the best and worst sitcom movies are ranked, strange pet jokes, the highs and lows of Transformers, our best graphs, the top ten top tens, Eve Myles‘ unusual lunchtime kink and we learn if Phil has ever lost a shoe. Plus much more! And all not live from Glastonbury!
Everything we do is entirely based on your suggestions. So basically what we’re saying is if you don’t like it, it’s your fault. Sorry about that.
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Due to Rebellion’s rather wonderful range of summer specials based on the old Fleetway / IPC back catalogue, I’m rediscovering my love for all things comic, not least 2000AD, a comic it took my younger mind a long time to get into the spirit of, especially when compared to the slightly more sedate sausage-snaffling and smacked slippers antics of DC Thomson characters. Even the slightly more chaotic characters couldn’t prepare me for the sheer amount of ideas going on in an average issue, not to mention some bafflement at the long-running sagas of the likes of Celtic warrior Slaine, batshit good vs. evil to the extremes battler Nemesis The Warlock and future robot soldier action in ABC Warriors.
Judge Dredd was always incredibly simple to understand though. There were bad guys and then there was Dredd. Occasionally you might agree with the reasons behind what the bad guys were doing – its tough, after all, living in a future dystopian USA (now named Mega City One) where residents are crammed into “blocks” up to 50,000 at a time, all named after ridiculous famous types (real and fictional) – but you knew ultimately that in the end, they were still bad guys and Dredd was…Dredd. No contest. Justice always prevails. And if you knew all this and feel like you’re being told how to suck off your grandma’s eggs (NB: check phrase before publishing) then congratulations, five years into the Iso-Bins, you grud-sucking Bennett Beany wannabe.
Ultimately, whilst more outright comedic strips like Ace Trucking Co and DR & Quinch were my real entry point over into the ‘Greatest Comic in the Galaxy’ through reprints, one of the biggest influences on me becoming interested in 2000AD to begin with was none other than Suggs. No, not Mean Machine‘s beloved Sarah “Seven-Pound Sadie” Suggs but Suggs. Off of Night Fever. And the “Full House” advert (“and puzzles all for 40p!”) Oh and ska pop legends Madness, who were the first band I became absolutely obsessed with thanks to their fun easy-going singles that everyone in my family seemed to adore and were about to make a big comeback with the “Divine Madness” compilation and return of “It Must Be Love” to the top ten.
When reading one of the many articles heralding their return I learnt that Suggs and Chas Smash after the Madness split had done a one-off 2000AD themed single in the mid 80s. This combination threw me entirely – even when I learnt that the band had started its own Virgin Records sub-label “Zarjazz” in 1984 named after a term used in the comic by its fictional editor Tharg The Mighty to describe something excellent. When I saw the characters the pair were meant to be dressed as, I was even more confused…
“Mean Machine” and Fink Angel (the duo on the right of the above foursome) weretwo of the nasty low-down rotters that made up the Angel Gang, a family of variously mutated criminals that live in the post-apocalyptic Cursed Earth, distinguishable by, in turn, a dial on Mean’s forehead that controls his anger and a green skeletal look from a life spent living in holes away from the family home. So, how did that translate to the ex-Nutty Boy cosplayers? Well…
Personally, I think its surprisingly decent for 1985 (if a tad Wurzel Gummidge in Space) with Suggs quoted as saying “we wanted as much as possible to make it like the comic, not just a record by a couple of out-of-work pop stars” and even seemed to stand up to the stresses of performing. And boy, did they perform! A lot! Popping up on kids programmes all over, such as this truly strange “Saturday Starship” appearance…
As for the song itself, its a fun if not exactly Cursed Earth-shattering bit of electro pop with hip hop beats, brass and lots of catchphrase bellowing just about passing in places for rap. “We wanted to make an electro/hip-hop record like the ones we’d heard in the New York clubs”, Suggs told Smash Hits. Whilst you cant imagine the hippest denizens of NYC grooving down to the Judgin’ jives, its also nothing like their former band and had they made one of the oft-mooted Dredd movies in the 80s, it would’ve fit perfectly over the end credits.
There were other songs based in the big Meg, such as the slightly point-missing “I Am The Law” by The Human League from the massive “Dare” album, “Judge Y’Self” by the Manic Street Preachers (demoed for the movie but unfinished until 2003 due to 2000AD fan Richey‘s still unsolved disappearance) and the popular but dreadful Anthrax who wrote a song absolutely packed with knowledge about the strip but also filled it with lyrics like:
They call him Judge, his last name is Dredd
So break the law, and you may wind up dead
Truth and justice are what he’s fighting for
Judge Dredd the man, he is the law
Sadly “Mutants In Mega City One” was far from a (Chas) Smash, peaking at 50 in the charts on 16th February 1985 and staying in the top 75 for just four weeks. A disappointment after so much publicity – and no more so than in the pages of 2000AD itself which even permitted an exclusive Brian Bolland-painted cover of Dredd as the single artwork – but a noble endeavour entered into with full gusto by two men who clearly genuine fans of the thing they were promoting. As Smash said “For anyone who had any interest in the Marvel comics when they were young, they just didn’t change over the years. Nothing really happens….I think the very real appeal of 2000AD is that it turns everything upside down: heroes may die and things aren’t always as they seem“.
In today’s climate, where comics are mostly bags of toys tied to a licence and pop is Ed Sheeran dueting with Ed Sheeran in honour of the late Ed Sheeran, we could definitely use a little more of that uncertainty, experimentation and – dare I say it? – madness.
For more pop nonsense, try my music trivia collection ” Never Mind The Quizbooks: A Music Quiz Book For People Who Dont Like Music Quiz Books” in paperback here.
Or “Congratulations! It’s A Knife!” Put yer hands up and drop the off-brand “Avengerists” action figure! Detectives Ben Baker and Phil Catterall are on the lookout for terrible toys from the past, street messers and sex type people doing naughty kissing and that. Why? Well, it’s summat to do between “Columbo” repeats, innit?
Also: A Lady, Tim Allen funnies, bloody GoBots, dogs eating spaghetti, hugging a mutant chicken, the trouble with airplane toilets, knock off pogo balls, Hoo-Moon‘s arch enemy, free foundry hand-outs, Morrissey the Consumer Monkey, public speedboats, what makes an “Open All Hours relationship”, Oasis cassingles, the recalled Jo Brand action figure, the lie that 90s were over twenty years ago, Peter Falk sex and a tramp. With apologies to CheapShow for…well, they’ll find out.
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Sunday, Sunday here again and…wait, we dont upload our new episodes on Sundays, do we? Aaahhhh, but we do. Presenting our mildly irrelevant move to Sundays for the forseeable future. In this week’s episode, Ben Baker and Phil Catterall attempt to provide the complete Lord’s Day experience from morning papers to the late night telly and most importantly of all: gravy. Plus: Bully’s special prize, Creme Egg record breakers, Michael Hordern is The Singing Detective, Gazza’s face, the correct words to the “Crazy Like A Fox” theme tune, we wear our Mushroom with Pride, an unwelcome IKEA food story, the “Days Like These” podcast, “some farts”, Lee and Herring as social enhancement, Aladdin wishes for all the gravy and rubber faced ribaldry as standard. Oh that Sunday sleep!
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I was a big Foo Fighters fan back in the day, specifically the nineties, where their first three records – “Foo Fighters”, “The Colour And The Shape” and “There Is Nothing Left To Lose” – were very important to my teenaged constantly-priapic bum-fluff life. They combined straight forward pop rock with elements of metal, lots of harmonies and incredibly catchy choruses. So when said group announced a “Greatest Hits” which contained just five tracks from everything released before 2002, it felt like a kick in the teeth.
But thats the joy of a record company-collated hit package designed squarely at the supermarket shelves. Do you keep it as just hits which works better as an introduction to newcomers but offers no reason for existing fans to buy it? Or, like most compilations after 1985, shove a few new songs on and hope it shifts a few more units, even if it means a slightly more uneven listen?
Of course its rare but occasionally a band record a new song for a compilation and becomes as beloved as the rest of the tracks. Need some examples? Here’s twelve…
REM – “Bad Day”
A bouncy but equally fed up “Its The End Of The World…” esque track “Bad Day” was actually recorded before that when a version – then called “PSA” – had been originally demoed in 1986 during the “Life’s Rich Pageant” sessions before being updated to further reflect the increased bombast of post 9/11 news outlets to include on “In Time: The Best of R.E.M. 1988–2003”, a compilation of the band’s Warner Bros singles. Its such a good track I’m almost willing to look past the fact they left off “Pop Song ’89” and “Tongue” although I suspect only I care about that.
Madonna – “Rescue Me”
Whilst most of the attention was on “Justify My Love” the first single (co-written by Lenny “Kravitz” Crabsticks) from the still monolithic “Immaculate Collection” with its half-whispered underpant-ruining sultry breathlessness and memorably filthy black and white video, I always preferred the follow-up “Rescue Me”, a pounding house number that once again showed how well Madonna understood what was going on in nightclubs at the time. Not that I did as I was 10 when it came out but you get the idea.
Shed Seven – “Disco Down”
Yeah alright Ian Momus, not the hippest or even hardiest of the British Indie Pop boom but I’ve long had a soft spot for this lot who quietly recorded some great records which were collected onto 1999’s “Going For Gold” compilation with new tracks the gorgeous string-led ballad “High Hopes” and 70s funk throwback “Disco Down” which is now probably their best known song thanks to their biggest fan (although you rarely hear him mention them now or wouldn’t if I actually bothered listening in) Chris Moyles hammering it on drive-time Radio 1. “She Left Me On Friday” is still rotten though.
Saint Etienne – “He’s On The Phone”
A remix of an English language version of a 1984 French song by an artist with a very similar name (Etienne Daho)? Straight to the top of the charts with you! (No. 11)
Madness – “(Waiting For) The Ghost Train”
By 1986, the wheels had truly come off Madness‘ pop locomotive with several of the band gone and recent singles releases barely scraping the top 40. The music was still great though and so the band decided to go out with a final best of (“Utter Madness”) and single, bringing back ex-member Mike Barson as a last hurrah. Whilst containing the pop sound associated with Madness, there’s an eeriness that moves beyond just the title as fun-house keyboard and crashing metal drums mix with stomping feet and heavy vocal percussion. Underneath all that are oblique lyrics written by Suggs about Apartheid (the video makes the subject much clearer with the band wearing newspaper suits featuring the prominent headline “SOWETO BLOODBATH”.) Also of note was the B-side of the 12″ single was “Seven Year Scratch”, a noble attempt to make an early megamix featuring many of the band’s singles that unfortunately sounds more like someone drunkenly crashing into the turntable at random points than a cohesive mix.
Kylie Minogue – “I Believe In You”
The 2001 album “Fever” saw the Pint-Sized Antipodean PopstarTM at her very peak of both success and output with her career back on top thanks to fantastic singles like “Love At First Sight”, “In Your Eyes” and, of course, the worldwide smash “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head” which even gave Kyles her first US hit since 1988. Sadly the follow up album was a bit rubbish so before the brakes were launched again, 2004’s “Ultimate Kylie” was rushed out for Christmas headed by this gorgeous piece of simple catchy disco pop, co-written by that year’s chart golden boys Jake Shears and Babydaddy from Scissor Sisters. The entire package is a smart well thought out compilation that manages to mix every era very well and required reading for all new artists wishing to become Classic Pop Classics.
Blur – “Music Is My Radar”
Because its extremely awkward, sounds like its got a child playing an out of tune melodica over the top, was recorded by four men who couldn’t stand the sight of each other and still got in the top ten. FUN FACT! The same year Oasis released “Go Let It Out” and “Who Feels Love?” so y’know…yeah.
Paul Simon – “Slip Slidin’ Away”
One of two new songs on Simon‘s first solo best of “Greatest Hits Etc.”, the gentle but beautiful “Slip Slidin’ Away” only got to No.36 in the UK and would be his last single to reach the Top 40 here until “You Can Call Me Five Fabulous Weeks Of The Chevy Chase Show” in 1986.
Depeche Mode – “Shake The Disease”
A natural progression from recent singles “Master and Servant” and “Blasphemous Rumours” with the slightly bleaker, more industrial sound the band would ebb into throughout the 80s (before deciding they wanted to be The Drugs U2 in the 90s), “Shake the Disease” features one of the band’s strongest choruses but remains shaky and urgent, pleading “understand me”. Its almost like they were fans of drugs or something!!!!
George Michael – “Outside”
Few celebrity deaths have impacted the world as much as George Michael on Christmas Day 2016. It was fair enough that he hadn’t been troubling the charts much recently but his back catalogue was always still on the radio and we’d just got round to Wham! being regulars on the BBC Four repeats of Top Of The Pops. Indeed, its seeing his journey on those old TOTPs from fresh faced white ‘rapper’ pretending to be a street tough to bona-fide pop megastar that reminded you how good he was and no more so when he turned his 1998 arrest for suggesting an undercover cop touch him on the wilbus into one of the biggest hits of his career, the painfully groovy faux-disco bop of “Outside” which kicked off his first solo best of “Ladies and Gentlemen”. A huge loss we’re going to feel for decades to come.
David Bowie – “Sue (Or in a Season of Crime)”
A big old sax-filled jazzy wonder falling down some stone stairs, like the theme tune to a zany detective film starring Dave Bowie Band in pursuit of a villain that turns out to be an elaborate velveteen hat. Its confusing, not especially melodic and until you get under its skin a little bit frightening. But more importantly it screamed that Bowie was back and he was going to go out of this world in his own mad, fantastic way.
Kate Bush – “Experiment IV”
Assuming we look straight past the wholly unnecessary re-recording of the vocal to “Wuthering Heights”, this is the only new track on the huge selling “The Whole Story”. Far from one of the most memorable or even successful, the whole venture is worth it for the stunning horror-tinged video, starring baby-faced Dawn French and Hugh Laurie alongside the less toddler-tinged fizzogs of Peter Vaughan and Richard Vernon.
Wot? No “Once Upon A Long Ago”? Or shit remix of the first single? “Re-Recording’88 ’94 2000 EXTREME”? With all that said, the two biggest selling albums ever in the UK were greatest hits sets by Queen and ABBA, neither of which contained a single new track so who bloody knows who’s right? Music’s bollocksed anyway and all media is dead so lets get a kebab and set fire to Our Price! Goodnight!
Hello space fans and fellow mutants everywhere to the latest podcast from ‘Moon’ Ben Baker and Phil “G-Balls” Catterall! In this one: sub-par superheroes, Royal Variety rave ups and stuff shot into space (but not necessarily stayed there…)
Plus: the majesty of Les Dawson, hero Bottle Opener makes his debut, American puppets, we find out what the Brittas Empire cast were up to in 1996, the real true story of Laika the dog, a big net, Obnoxio The Clown spoils Dark Phoenix, disco dies, we all give thanks for Gary Wilmot, making work for the beeper, where Jasper Carrott fits into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, 36 thousand worms, “Beak”, not very much about sport….and UGLY JOHN!
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We all know what its like. You record a smash hit song but accidentally mention a brand name leading to a ban from the BBC so you have to fly 6,000 miles across the Atlantic to record two words then fly back again. To celebrate Ray Davies from the Kinks‘ marathon jaunt for a minor act, its a Lola-tastic week of charts this week as Ben and Phil ogle unusual things that have been banned, test the worst product ideas of all time and there’s a right and proper BBC-approved quiz which isnt just an excuse for Ben to bellow non-sequiturs. Honest.
Plus: Kinder madness, Canadian baby chaos, the car defined, vinaigrette panic, naughty Coke, the cigarette of the nineties, no Valentine’s Day for God, TV dinners by Domestos, Martha is eaten up, the Delorean – was it all bad?, cheese lips, why Salisbury is the erotic capital of England, the carrot Twix, our new murder-based stretch goals on Patreon and Shakespears Sister are banned for fannying about on a table.
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Ben Baker Books 