Don’t Lets Chart – Series One

A podcast in which two men, confused and terrified by the world around them, try to make sense of it through the use of charts, top ten lists and mindless trivia. Or, at the very least, while away another half hour before the grave. Join them, won’t you?

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Series One (April – August 2019)

Don’t Lets Chart – The Best of (Volume Two)

To whet your unwhetted areas for series 2 here’s a breezy run-through episodes 5 to 9 of “Don’t Lets Chart” in which we ran down the worst Hanna-Barbera jerks, despaired at On The Buses, steamed a good ham, tarted ourselves out for sponsorship, disagreed over the worst double acts of all time, took a trip to Nottingham, failed to see any ghosts, played “Robocop or Prick Up Your Ears?” and generally fannied about for 35 to 37 minutes on average. Y’know, for kids. 

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Don’t Lets Chart 120 – That’s A Good Point…

And so we reach the final destination of the Don’t Lets Chart Summer Roadshow and also the final episode of series one. We hope you’ve enjoyed the past five months of facts and nonsense and we’re going out with our biggest adventure yet. Yes, even bigger than the Nottingham Industrial Museum of Dust. And because its the end of term, Ben has kindly allowed Phil to finally talk about bloody Gobots or whatever he’s into, including our listeners’ own top ten most tedious robots of all time! Plus some very daft jokes, god-awful gimmicks, Autobot stand-up, terrible toys, Emu wrangling, BB-8 snaffling and T-Bob just generally getting on everyone’s nerves as usual.

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Don’t Lets Chart 119 – Do You Like Dickens?

Another jump on the increasingly stupid Don’t Lets Chart Summer Roadshow as Ben and Phil travel back in time to visit The Book Tower in order to promote Ben’s new book. If you dont know, its probably best not to ask. Just strap in for what the Mr Men did next, a celebration of good Dickens, Phil reading erotic fiction like in that nightamre you had and the best of Baker. But not Ben…

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Don’t Lets Chart 118 – The Popular Humanoid Bear

A bit of a relativity jump on the Don’t Lets Chart Summer Roadshow this week as we visit Beanotown. Or Gotham. Or wherever Whizzer and Chips incorporating Scouse Mouse took place as its a comics special. Which were best – the good old British weekly or yer American “comical book”? Do we find an answer in this week’s edition? Well, we’ve a top ten featuring the biggest comic strip-themed chart hits of all time, we chew up a terrible Buzzfeed list and inevitably there’s another stupid quiz.  So….no. 

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Don’t Lets Chart 117 – BOUNTY!

Ohhhh, how good is this? The “Don’t Lets Chart Summer Roadshow” is on the move again and this week visits definitely DEFINITELY Australia to talk all things Antipodean, but mostly funny place names, weird regional food items and the most surreal episodes of Neighbours. It might be the daftest episode ever but also…the dumbest? We blame the heat….

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Don’t Lets Chart 116 – Hedges Capers

Woah dude, its a new episode of the “Don’t Lets Chart Summer Roadshow” and Ben and Phil are visiting “Mawkins, Indianus” – home to “Stangler Thongs” – which is legally different from anything on Netflix set in the mid 80s and about obsolete Americana. Although saying that, we do have lists on forgotten McDonalds characters, lost TV catchphrases and the ‘grot n gore’ best in VHS sales. Plus: nuggets with cowboy boots, Hillbilly John meets the devil, the real anniversary of the moon landing, delicious beaks, Dr Frankenstein loses his freaks, the tiresomeness of Punky Brewster, green milkshakes, the Demogorgon gets sassed, Tom Berenger‘s best one, talking bins, Grimace goes on “Who Do You Think You Are?”, a heated beast and Snarf’s bumhole. Plus much more! 

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Don’t Lets Chart 115 – The Worst Motown Trio Of All Time

Framed for a crime they probably did commit, Ben and Phil are making melonade from rocks and dust by turning their six week community service into a summer roadshow just like all those people we’re not allowed to talk about anymore used to do on Radio One in the past!!!! Sadly, a matter of ankle tagging and house arrest means the first edition is coming from the less glamourous locale of Phil’s flat.  What would Smiley Miley say? Nothing you idiots, he’s locked in my basement. 

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Don’t Lets Chart – The Best Of (Volume One)

A totally new episode we made that definitely isn’t a best of the first five episodes with bonus items because we’re a bit burnt out after four months and need a week off. 

Featuring: Why George Clooney shouldnt be allowed near your cat (or Meryl Streep), a wartime Bill Badger goes on the tube, wallpaper as a mid-morning snack, why the bullet catch trick is a horrible idea, greasy Furbies, the finest impressions of Yorkshiremen you will ever hear, Jamie Kennedy‘s experimental methods, the pathos of sugar, poisonous pop games, a bath with Kermit, being shot by the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra, playing with Inspector Gadget‘s arm squirter, the best worst sequels, Dick Dasterdly fails, a mannered respectful discussion on the life of Richard Nixon and, of course, Disney Cup. 

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Don’t Lets Chart 114 – Chekhov’s Chicken

It’s a five-alarm all out listener takeover episode as Ben and Phil hand the whole show over to you for questions, guest charts and comments, alongside special appearances by our friends at Round The Archives and Tim Worthington off of the Guardian. Plus: how we met and our earliest collaborations, eggs by phone, Phil’s best punk, horrible ITV comedy, how to play “Year Of The Cat”, the most appalling action figures, important crisp discussions, the best and worst sitcom movies are ranked, strange pet jokes, the highs and lows of Transformers, our best graphs, the top ten top tens, Eve Myles‘ unusual lunchtime kink and we learn if Phil has ever lost a shoe. Plus much more! And all not live from Glastonbury!

Everything we do is entirely based on your suggestions. So basically what we’re saying is if you don’t like it, it’s your fault. Sorry about that.

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Don’t Lets Chart 113 – Crime Alert!

Or “Congratulations! It’s A Knife!” Put yer hands up and drop the off-brand “Avengerists” action figure! Detectives Ben Baker and Phil Catterall are on the lookout for terrible toys from the past, street messers and sex type people doing naughty kissing and that. Why? Well, it’s summat to do between “Columbo” repeats, innit? 

Also: A Lady, Tim Allen funnies, bloody GoBots, dogs eating spaghetti, hugging a mutant chicken, the trouble with airplane toilets, knock off pogo balls, Hoo-Moon‘s arch enemy, free foundry hand-outs, Morrissey the Consumer Monkey, public speedboats, what makes an “Open All Hours relationship”, Oasis cassingles, the recalled Jo Brand action figure, the lie that 90s were over twenty years ago, Peter Falk sex and a tramp. With apologies to CheapShow for…well, they’ll find out.

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Don’t Lets Chart 112 – The Answer Is Quavers

Sunday, Sunday here again and…wait, we dont upload our new episodes on Sundays, do we? Aaahhhh, but we do. Presenting our mildly irrelevant move to Sundays for the forseeable future. In this week’s episode, Ben Baker and Phil Catterall attempt to provide the complete Lord’s Day experience from morning papers to the late night telly and most importantly of all: gravy. Plus: Bully’s special prize, Creme Egg record breakers, Michael Hordern is The Singing Detective, Gazza’s face, the correct words to the “Crazy Like A Fox” theme tune, we wear our Mushroom with Pride, an unwelcome IKEA food story, the “Days Like These” podcast, “some farts”, Lee and Herring as social enhancement, Aladdin wishes for all the gravy and rubber faced ribaldry as standard. Oh that Sunday sleep! 

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Don’t Lets Chart 111 – What Night Is Space Bins?

Hello space fans and fellow mutants everywhere to the latest podcast from ‘Moon’ Ben Baker and Phil “G-Balls” Catterall! In this one: sub-par superheroes, Royal Variety rave ups and stuff shot into space (but not necessarily stayed there…)

Plus: the majesty of Les Dawson, hero Bottle Opener makes his debut, American puppets, we find out what the Brittas Empire cast were up to in 1996, the real true story of Laika the dog, a big net, Obnoxio The Clown spoils Dark Phoenix, disco dies, we all give thanks for Gary Wilmot, making work for the beeper, where Jasper Carrott fits into Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters, 36 thousand worms, “Beak”, not very much about sport….and UGLY JOHN! 

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Don’t Lets Chart 110 – Trying To Swallow A Former Member of Bananarama

We all know what its like. You record a smash hit song but accidentally mention a brand name leading to a ban from the BBC so you have to fly 6,000 miles across the Atlantic to record two words then fly back again. To celebrate Ray Davies from the Kinks‘ marathon jaunt for a minor act, its a Lola-tastic week of charts this week as Ben and Phil ogle unusual things that have been banned, test the worst product ideas of all time and there’s a right and proper BBC-approved quiz which isnt just an excuse for Ben to bellow non-sequiturs. Honest. 

Plus: Kinder madness, Canadian baby chaos, the car defined, vinaigrette panic, naughty Coke, the cigarette of the nineties, no Valentine’s Day for God, TV dinners by Domestos, Martha is eaten up, the Delorean – was it all bad?, cheese lips, why Salisbury is the erotic capital of England, the carrot Twix, our new murder-based stretch goals on Patreon and Shakespears Sister are banned for fannying about on a table. 

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Don’t Lets Chart 109 – No-One Voted For ALF

We’ve taken the bin box time machine back to 1987 again for the second and final part of our entirely listener-voted chart. 

Along the way, we pump up the volume, drown some Pound Puppies, chart the rise of Jonathan Ross, make Phil listen to Big Black for the first time, fail to get over how great Withnail and I is in the edit, chase away Mike Read and his new jingles, enjoy some wind, Ben reveals his biggest musical fantasy, Wax get lyrical, there’s a New Years visit with Predator, Phil bangs on about The Living Daylights, we wince at the continuing relevance of The New Statesman, admire Keith Houchen‘s header, guide a stupid child through a chroma key dungeon, tune into Network 7, say oo-er something a bit rude and, most controversially, Phil ranks the 1987 Doctor Who season. Plus, what made it to the top of your 1987 list! 

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Don’t Lets Chart 108 – McKellen For Robocop

Presenting The First Annual 32 Fabulous Years of 1987 Show. 

Why? Dont worry about that. Just be dazzled and wowed by the bright colours and flammable materials of the era as Ben and Phil run down the first half of our listener’s selections for the best things of ’87 – thats right, FIRST! – you lot sent in some fantastic suggestions and we didnt want to skimp on the best so its our first exciting two-parter. Like Timelash. Ok, maybe not that…

In this one there’s grudging acceptance of The bloody Raccoons, we meet the Son of the Invisible Man, indulge the finest side of Prince, question Corey Feldman‘s career choices, predict a riot, get bored senseless by Willy Fog, give Stephen and Hugh a warm hand on their entrance, fail to get the point of M.A.S.K, see Johnny Marr run, delight in Martin Short being a bankable movie star, count down choose our contender for the Spectrum vs c64 top ten from this week thirty two years ago and two very different movies go head to head in perhaps the strangest quiz yet. So prick up your wossnames, pump up the volume and listen up! 

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Don’t Lets Chart 107 – Slimer Stinks Of Onion IDST

Sponsored by Nixon’s Crisps. “The crisps that are crisps”.

It was the philosopher Ian Reelbigfish who once sang “Sell out / with me oh yea / sell out / with me tonight”. And never has a truer word been skanked as your hosts Ben Baker and Phil Catterall decide it’s time to cash in on the giant success “Don’t Lets Chart” clearly is and try and hook one of those big sponsors. So why they decide to mention ghosts, “On the Buses” and controversial stamps is anyone’s guess.

Also in the mix are such topics as fancying a toilet ghost, podcasts vs. Blakey, Roger Taylor must die, a promotion from the American Wheat Council, Pacmanology, David Bowie does a terrible thing, a haunted mattress, when Harry S. Truman is the better option, the stench of Slimer, Robert Johnson enjoys a delicious Zoom lolly, terrible atrocities by mail, the first episode of “Get Bent Phil“, John Barrowman is confused for his TV character and all the fictional crisps you can eat. Plus: your chance to help us fund this stuff as we can’t work in fast food all our lives.

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Don’t Lets Chart 106 – Rotating Hannigans

It’s a bank holiday special as for the first time Ben and Phil are in the same room to record one of these. We enter “The Meet Zone” (or is that “the Meat Zone”?) for a rundown of what Nottingham has to offer, the strange world of beer naming and our second listener-voted chart as you decide the worst double acts of all time, a mixed and occasionally very wrong list.

Plus: visiting Batman‘s house, the new Alan Bennett play, Horne and Corden‘s body swap adventure with Foster and Allen, windmill facts, the original Planeteers, Frank Sidebottom helps the natural body processes, Spitting Image Vs. Hale and Pace Vs. Oasis, the other Chuckle Brothers, volunteering is questioned, Big Breakfast wars, Ben has some opinions on Cannon and Ball, more jokes about Just Juice and somebody mentions Noble and Silver for the first time in fifteen years.

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Don’t Lets Chart 105 – Runaway Puppy Massacre

‘Boogie Legs’ Ben and The All-New Some Biscuits Crew are sure in for a s-s-spooky time when they investigate Old Man Catterall‘s haunted mine to look for the secret hidden treasure of pop culture charts. And as they’ve just run past the same hallway twelve times, it must mean it’s an Animation Special! In today’s episode, we asked you for your top ten biggest Hanna-Barbera jerks, learn about movies got inexplicable TV cartoon transfers and burn down the house in answer to ‘how many Steamed Hams memes is too many’?

Plus: Green Day Vs. Smash Mouth – an ill-advised battle, taking responsibility for Rambo, the most 1991 thing in the world, Skinner‘s burger rampage, Aliens….for kids!, who “did”, a car full of teenagers solving crimes with some mist, enjoy some smashing organ work, Shmoosplaining, a guest appearance from Garreth F Hirons from the terrific Retrospecticus podcast and not a single fighting puppy in sight.

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Don’t Lets Chart 104 – Little Jenny Knives For Eyes

Ben‘s not content with the ratings for the last few episodes so he’s decided to refit the whole show to be one of those murder podcasts that are doing insanely well in the charts. However, neither him or Phil are comfortable with the whole “murder” aspect so instead pivot to dangerous toys, murderous songs, the deadliest Marvel superheroes of all time and erm…Richard Nixon. Plus: Hannah Montana‘s crippling addiction to lead reign of terror, Sophie Ellis Bextor Vs W.A.S.P, Enormous Ken’s best cinematic role, hammocks for kids, the first time anyone has mentioned “Fully Booked Interactive” in twenty years, the tastiness of glue, Iron Man‘s terrible crimes, actually nuclear toys, Peter Engel‘s creative process, torpedo babies, a shameless attempt to tie into “Avengers: Endgame”, what Butts Carlton did next and no Easter whatsoever.

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Don’t Lets Chart 103 – Inhaling Some Chuckle Musk

Hey you! Are you interested in dead celebrities, Yorkshire heroes and ridiculous Happy Meal toys? Well stick around anyway as Ben and Phil look into why under no circumstances should you let someone fire a gun directly into your face, which action star is incomplete without his arm squirter and why Ben isn’t the greatest Yorkshireman of all time. Plus: Kevin Keegan face moulds, grease-stinking Furbies, Matt Le Blanc has an accident, a lot of impressions that all seem to be Michael Parkinson, Kermit squirts, Hitler‘s last word, a demand for medals and the magical secrets contained within “Disney Cup”.

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Don’t Lets Chart 102 – I Thought You Said Rapid Rodney

And so it was that our brave idiots Ben and Phil returned for a second adventure that the law of sequels suggests will probably not be as good as the first. With that in mind they look at Rotten Tomatoes’ Worst Sequels Ever with guest appearances from Batman, Jaws and the actor Stan Collymore. There’s also a tribute to this weekend’s Wrestlemania as Ben tests Phil’s near-absent knowledge of wrestling then outrage as Britain gets pies wrong. Plus: Jamie Kennedy‘s scientific methods are put to the test, steak is dismissed, Twin Peaks begins, Rob Schneider gets paid, the Shockmaster drops in and a shocking opinion about Marmite.

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Don’t Lets Chart 101 – Clooney’s Catbox Comedy Company

We can all agree that pranks and April Fools’ jokes are invariably god awful and not in the slightest bit funny – but what would you do if it was the Hollywood superstar George Clooney pulling them on you? Ben and Phil put on their best “the actor Richard Kind” masks to explore the comedy back catalogue of The Cloon. But before that, we take time to celebrate Phillip Schofield‘s birthday and the first ten programmes he ever introduced on Children’s BBC from Mike, Mop and The Moke to The Kwicky Koala Show. Plus: authentic American accents, Hanna Barbera’s cruelty to animals, teacher beating, bad bumper stickers, cat constipation, the ill-advised american remake of Paddington and an alarming amount more.

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